Mostly recovered from COVID

Fellow Nurses,

I knew when I joined the Medical Reserve Corps, I could get COVID19 working on the front lines, but I could not stay behind. Parents of babies with their lives ahead of them helped alongside many who had not even had the chance to have a family. Better that I, in my 6th decade should die than those nurses and aides. I knew how to protect myself and wear isolation gear better than most. Surely, sufficient PPE  would be provided. Besides, how else could I advocate for the front lines accurately if I was not experiencing it first-hand. Finally, I just love nursing. Being there for patients and nurses in their worst hour is worth it. There is nothing more amazing and heartening than helping someone to heal, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Caring helps healing. I love to encourage the heart for I have experienced pain. I have been abused, betrayed, and felt despair. I have faced my death and learned to smile at her in peace.

I sang as I drove back and forth to help. One of my favorites was the chorus of Lady Gaga’s Million Reasons. I tweaked the meaning my way. I would listen first to the part about having a million reasons to quit the show (going in to work with COVID+ patients) as many thought I was crazy to volunteer, and what if I brought it home to my husband?

 The lyrics I changed slightly. I sang:

I bow down to pray to try to make the world get better

Lord show me the way to cut through all the worn out leather.

I’ve got a hundred million reasons to walk away, but really I just need one good one to stay.

 

In the next section I considered how many were fighting to keep from stopping breathing, but completely aware. The patients gave me a million reasons.

I thought about President Trump in the next section: And if you say something that you might even mean -It's hard to even fathom which parts I should believe. He gave me about a million reasons to advocate.

I would sing: I bow down to pray, I try to make the worst seem better
Lord, show me the way to try to make the world get better.

I’ll be there. Yes I'm bleeding...God give me what I'm needing

Every heartbreak makes it hard to keep the faith (here I considered each death)
But, I just need one good one, good one…(I thought of each patient as a good one and sang louder).

 

While each place did an excellent job of testing nurses prior to patient care, some places had less safe places for a break/lunch, maybe just down the hall from patients without a barrier, and no place to keep your mask clean. That was the mask you reused repeatedly, that was COVID contaminated, worn at least all day, or some places more. I did take off my shoes before entering my house after a shift, and changed clothes immediately and showered before touching anyone, also cleansing groceries. It was not enough.

Afterwards I thought I should have gone outside, or to my car to drink anything or eat for that one ten minute break instead of using their break room. That thought came too late for the sneezing and low-grade fever that came a few days later. After 3 days of a worsening fever, I was tested. The poor soul that called me Christmas gave me the positive result. I let her know it was not a shock, that I had a pulse oximeter and was better than 92% and breathing okay. I did get congestion and cough, headaches, rashes, bone pain and seesawing temperature that left me exhausted and sweaty, but did not need to get hospitalized. I used all my holistic home help, from elderberry and virus busting teas, to zinc, vitamin C, and vitamin D. I cut dairy, reduced fat and used coconut milk, and sinus rinses. I ate licorice, turmeric and ginger as well as spirulina, asparagus, & greens. Hydration helped fight congestion, and humid showers helped, but exhausted me. I became still, calm, and did not feel fear but peace as I contemplated my potential death, knowing my family would support each other. I accepted without resistance the path of the universe. I felt the presence of angels and positive spirits. I let my siblings and adult daughter know I had COVID after Christmas.

I had remained isolated with my older husband, who had recently joined the UVM vaccine trial, and desperately hoped that he had received the real vaccine. There was no one else that we had risked contaminating because we did not have any gathering that could have risked those we loved. I cannot imagine the guilt some people might feel if they are responsible for the death or long-term effects of COVID-19 on their loved friends and family. We completed the Sara reports to the Health department daily for weeks. I learned that some younger folk who were asymptomatic except for a headache were volunteering online doing contact tracing. Supportive friends dropped off groceries and gave advice.

Though I had volunteered with my husband’s blessing, I wondered if he might reconsider when he had to report my fever and could not risk teaching for many days. Then, because he tested negative, he had to stay on isolation a week after me and get another negative test. Yet I was so glad he did not become ill due to me. He never wavered in his love and caring, and never offered blame. My precious love.

The fevers finally just stayed low grade, though I was not strong enough to help with outside chores. The stairs seemed a mountain to climb and I still got dizzy spells, and heart rate abnormalities. We laughed that I kept my sense of taste but that it was distorted. I knew I was getting better when I tried a sip of wine and it no longer tasted like old feet. My magical cousin referred to me as the girl who lived. I was going to be okay. Now it’s just waiting for weakness to fade and heart to be less irratic.

Please wear a mask and avoid gatherings despite COVID fatigue. No one is guaranteed tomorrow we remembered when a friend fell down stairs and died as I was recovering. Tell people you love that you love them today. Thank-you for being inspiring my fellow nurses.

Try to make the world be better. Yes we’ve got a hundred million reasons to walk away, but we have a good one to stay; tell me that you’ll be that good one.